BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT

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The beautiful things hanging in my bathroom window: left dreamcatcher - pineal vision // leather macrame hanger - sun & glory // agate windchime - soulmakes

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I have been home for a week already from my vacation with my family, but it only feels like Ive been home for about two days.  It's strange how the days have run together lately.  As soon as I got home we had just under two days left to get every last thing we wanted from my parents house before handing it over to the new owners.  There really wasn't much left at that point besides a few old boards, some rocks and a chair.  I think it felt way more overwhelming than it was b/c I knew I was saying my final goodbye.  I feel like Ive been saying goodbye for 4 years now.  Really, more like 7 1/2 years, since my mom has been gone.  Its been a slow, painful journey of letting go.  So many choices along the way that define my future.  All having to be made without my parents here helping me along.  I still hope I made the right choice.  I feel a huge weight off my shoulders since it sold on my birthday 5 days ago.  And at the same time, an inevitable emptiness. 

Ive immersed myself in a huge studio renovation.  Which may really be me running away.  I'm still not sure.  But it's giving me something to focus on and the gift of excitement, of a new start and a fresh face to my sacred space of creation, which has not felt all that sacred for a long time from its over cluttered pile of messes. Selling this house on my birthday, felt like a birthday gift from my parents, so I'm looking at it as a big gift from them to be able to do this.  It's strange, b/c I keep having feelings of guilt along with this renovation.  I have always just used what I have, or have been handed down.  There is not much in my entire house that is not used, thrifted, given or what not.  Only a few pieces of furniture have we bought new.  Which I truly love.  And now that I have the opportunity to create a new space from the ground up, I'm learning about my relationship to money and guilt.  I am really looking forward to this new space though.  Right now my studio is over run with beads and trinkets for my jewelry making.  I have figured out a new layout to be able to store them all away and still have them easily accessible, so now I can split my studio between jewelry design and magazine design.  Before my studio was the LAST place I would go to work on my magazine b/c it was so cluttered I couldn't think straight.  I'm truly excited to have a space I can go to that will feel inspiring for this work that I'm doing.  

With everything that was going on this week, and saying goodbye to my parents house on my birthday, my plans for getting together with friends did not happen.  Even though it may be a few weeks down the road, I'm still going to plan a get together.  Right now I feel drained and a bit overwhelmed.  My studio is currently a wreck from going through everything in there, my house needs cleaned, I have not been taking care of myself or eating properly and I'm really starting to feel it, it's my moontime, and I have a million commitments that I feel I'm failing on right now, and I haven't even brushed my teeth for the past two days (how's that for honesty?) The month of June seems like it just flew by and I have no clue where it went!!! 

*BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT*

Just typing this makes me realize that I need to do some deep breathing, some stretching and probably some dancing.  I need to shake it out!  Life is funny sometimes, how you can feel so many feelings all at once.  Sadness.  Excitement.  Empty.  Relieved.  Guilt.  Grateful.  Etc. It's all part of letting go.

HONORING, REMEMBERING, LEAVING & LOVING

Yesterday was my mama's birthday.  It would of been her big 60th.  Kind of weird to think about it.  I would have loved to see her grow into a wise old woman.  I can only imagine how her spirit would of grown through the years. 

I started the day with some time spent in my tee pee in the beautiful morning light while the grass was still dewy.  I made a little alter with her photo, snipped some lavender for her, and placed my teepee crystals around it.  As I was having a conversation with her I look down and a few inches in front of the altar I found this little silver feather charm.  I have no clue where it came from b/c its not one of the styles I ever bought for my jewelry line.  And I don't remember ever having a piece of jewelry with it on it.  But now I will!  I'm going to make myself a little something special with it to remember this day.

Saturday we had plans to go out to my parents house to spend some time there and start saying our goodbyes since it might sell soon.  We originally tried to get friends and family out there to have a goodbye party, but it just did not work out with anyone, so we cancelled.  By the time saturday rolled around I was just having a really hard day and did not feel like being around anyone.  So instead, my brother and I decided to go out there on sunday, just us, his son, and James.  I'm so glad it turned out the way it did.  It was a really nice day, and it was my Mama's birthday, so it was extra special.  We took a long walk through the woods together, we spread my dad's ashes, and I took it all in...

Since we recently had a flood, the pond that has been dry for ages out there is now completely full and so beautiful.  We walked down by it to spread some of my dad's ashes to find that one of the swan's had returned.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I just know it was a sign from my mom.  She loved those swans so much and its been so many years since they have been out there due to the drought.  It was an amazing and touching thing to witness on this day.  I didn't have my real camera with me, so the photo above was the best shot I could get.  I'm going to try to get out there and take more soon. 

Aiden was so sweet helping us spread my dad's ashes.  We put some in the garden, in the fire pit, and in the pond.  I was so glad he was there with us to be a part of it.  Even though he doesn't remember his grandparents, he knows of them, and will always have our stories.

Our friend gave us some flowers to take out there with us, which was such a sweet gesture.  We left some of them on top of dad's ashes in the fire pit.  The rest I took home and made a garland for my window to keep.

During our time out there I had many little encounters with beautiful animal medicine that was very fitting... The swan for one.  Butterflies + Dragonflies. And I found a snake skeleton.  I have never seen one before, and it was such a cool find. 

The part of the day had to be when my brother and Aiden came to our house and Aiden got to meet Banjo.  He fell in love with him so hard.  He completely wore my cat out!  Ha ha.  He had so much fun with him and he just kept saying over and over how much he loved Banjo.  Although he asked if he could name him Tickles, ha ha.

I can't think of anything my mother would of wanted more for her birthday then to see her kids hanging out together and enjoying each other.  xo

THREADS // JUMPER LOVE + LETTING GO

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OUTFIT DETAILS: jumper - dolkii // swimsuit top - swim outlet // hat - free people // sandals - blowfish shoes // necklace - spiral drift // rings - chromafusion + bella & chloe + arrok + shannon noelke metal arts

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This might be one of my alltime favorite outfits!  I wore this to the Kerrville Folk Festival last weekend with my bestie to see David Crosby.  I'm pretty much obsessed with this jumper.  It is the coziest thing ever.  I have a huge love for jumpers, but find myself not wearing them out much b/c its such a freakin' hassle to pee.  Truth.  But this one has such cozy wide legs, there is no need to strip all the way down just to pee.  Just fyi for all those ladies out there who have the same thoughts about jumpers.  Just keeping it real here. 

Man last weekend was so good.  I know I already talked about it so I won't go into it again.  But what a great weekend.  My spirits really needed the time out, and out of the house!

This week is intense.  We are under contract with someone to buy my folks house, and if all goes well, it may be gone by my birthday (the 25th).  I leave on vacation in one week and return right when all the action will happen.  So I literally just have this week to say my goodbyes.  For good.  Forever.  Shit is getting real.  This has been a super long process and journey of letting go.  A deep emotional rollercoaster.  We are going to spend some time out there today gathering rocks and walking the woods.  And saturday we are going to have an intimate camfire with my brother, and spread my dad's ashes on the property. 

Speaking of my dad, I had the best dream about him last night.  I think he is with me this week as I travel through this process.  It took place at my parent's home.  There was going to be a going away party, for my mom.  My dad was still alive and the house was completely furnished like he was still living there.  When I showed up there was people everywhere that I knew, and people from my childhood that I couldn't remember.  I was looking everywhere for my dad but I couldn't find him anywhere.  I started looking around the house and noticed that everything was super clean and picked up, the bed was even made.  I felt something was wrong (my dad never picked up after himself, my mom always kept their place clean).  I thought to myself, oh my god, he cleaned the house for me so I wouldn't have to and he killed himself.  I panicked going around the place trying to find him.  I kept touching people from behind thinking it was him, only for them to turn around and be somebody else.  Finally when I had all but given up and realized he was gone, I saw him standing in line in the kitchen waiting for food and talking to people.  I went over to him and he smiled and I hugged him with relief that he was alive.  Then I felt an immense need to just really hug him.  Like squeeze him.  I put whatever I was holding down and we hugged each other.  Then we fell to the ground together, still hugging and just sat up against the kitchen island embracing each other.  I put my head on his shoulder and just soaked it it.  He told me that he loved me about three times, and I told him back.  It was the most sincere, warm, heartfelt embrace I had ever felt from him.  I noticed too that his whole chest had crystals all over it, like amethyst and others.  And we just embraced, and then I woke up.  I did not want to open my eyes this morning upon waking.  I just wanted to stay there in that embrace.  In real life my dad was not super affectionate.  I knew he loved me, but he did not grow up with warm embraces, and he didn't know how to give them himself.  He showed his love in other ways.  So this embrace in my dream felt so good. 

This dream couldn't of come at a better time with all the I will have to face over the next few weeks.  Usually come June I am so excited b/c it's my birthday month (yes I still get excited like a little kid).  But I didn't ever realize until yesterday that it is only 15 days away, 14 now.  And with everything going on it will be here and gone before I know it.  It's weird to think I may be signing my parents home over to someone else on my birthday.  But in a way, that will be a huge gift in itself.  Just in ways I don't know yet.  The whole idea of letting their home go, in exchange to build my dreams in the future, is one of the unknown.  I don't know what it looks like yet.  So I can only hold the dream that it will be beautiful, and worth the letting go.  What a process.  My little human heart feels like its been wrung out some days. 

TEEPEE, FULL MOON, OWL MEDICINE

I recently decided to relocate my teepee from my front yard to my back yard.  I realized I never used it in my front yard, b/c I simply don't like hanging out there where the cars drive by.  I'm not sure why it took me so damn long to figure this out, but I'm so glad I did.  I have spent just about every spare moment I have since it's been up, in it.  I'm kind of sad its raining today just b/c I want to be out in it. 

It's funny b/c James and I started working on building it 3 days in a row and each time we failed at getting the main structure stable.  I kept getting frustrated and just stopping.  Finally, the 4th attempt worked.  Ive built two other ones and never had any issues.  I guess it was all about right timing.  It finally started coming together, and its my favorite one Ive made so far.  Ive outfitted it with my crystals, favorite sticks Ive collected over the years, and other trinkets. 

We've spent lots of time in it reading, hanging out with Bella & Violet, giving them massages, gazing at the full moon through the branches, listening to the birds, listening to music, watch the clouds, doing crafts, just laying there, drinking whiskey.  Ha ha.  Like I said, Ive spent every free moment the past several days in it. 

I adorned my outside space with all the scraps Ive cut off all the bell bottoms that are too long for me.  Which is just about all of them.  Ive been saving the scraps forever for just the right project.  This area is slowly coming together.  Two friends gave me some rad old windows that I'm still figuring out just where I'm going to keep them. 

Lots of reading the Bohemian Collective Magazine has happened in it too!  ha ha.  While I was making the bell bottoms garland above I heard some ruckus in the trees behind me, and turned to see an OWL flying from branch to branch.  I watched it dart to the ground twice to catch something, although I don't think he got what he was going after.  I have never seen an owl in the wild before.  Only heard them in the night.  My jaw was hanging wide open.  I took the risk of running inside to grab my binoculars to get a better look and I'm so glad I did.  He stayed on the same branch while I ran inside, otherwise I probably wouldn't of been able to spot him again b/c he blended in so well in the trees.  It was the most magnificent thing Ive ever seen.  I got watch up close all its crazy head movements.  There were a few times it heard me moving and put its eyes right on me.  I got to watch it for about half an hour! 

This happened on the day of the Full Moon in Scorpio, which is just so appropriate, with owl having ties to the moon and to scorpio energy.  Such great messages came through this beautiful witness.  Leading up to this day, my week was a wreck.  We had a really big emotional decision to make about my parents house, and I had to let some people that I really love down, and it hurt my heart so much to come to terms with this choice.  I found myself at a crossroads recently.  I thought it was just a crossroads with my parents house and what to do with it, but I realized it was a metaphor for the crossroads of my life.  I was at the cross roads of continuing to live in the past, or to let go in a big way and move on ahead to my future.  It was a painful decision, but I chose my future.  I'm ready.  I'm ready to move on.  To let go with ties keeping me bound to my parents house.  Let a stranger move in and walk away.  Allow this to be a big blessing in my life to dream of things I may never otherwise be able to attain. 

It was the first time since I can remember feeling like I made a choice that defined my life, and myself as well.  In what I was capable of.  Emotionally.  I felt an weight lift, and a shift in my heart.  Something was very tangled in that choice.  And we still have so much go through before the house is actually sold and gone, but I felt like I took the first step on the beginning of a new path, and good god it feels amazing. 

After the Owl visited me, we went to town and a turkey flew across the road right in front of our car.  Owl & Turkey have been two of my messengers for quite some time, and this full moon, they made themselves very up close and in  my face in brand new ways, and I couldn't be more thankful for them.  Sometimes I really believe my parents speak to me from beyond the dead through the animal world.