CULTIVATION

 (part of a gypsy flag I made for a friend)

The past few days, everytime I think I want to check in here, I check out.  My mind is so full at the moment.  I spent yesterday afternoon getting a massage, a sweet much needed gift from a soul sister.  Then later last night I read alot and had some deep soul stirrings arise, which kept me spinning until I passed out in bed.  I woke up today with a migraine, no surprise there, but it kept me on the low quiet side of life all day.  As much as it has not been fun having a headache all day, it was kind of nice to check out once again and read some more.  My mind and soul are swirling about, tangling themselves up in a magical dance that I dont recognize, but I am entranced by.  

Side not, I blogged earlier today on The Bohemian Collective.

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Things for the Soul >>>

This past week I started the Intuitive Heart Sanctuary with Lauren Luquin.  So far, I'm loving it.  Her vibe is very comforting, grounded, in tune and intentional.  Im looking forward to spending some time on this.  The journal below is what I created to keep all of my thoughts in.  Ill take some better pics of it, b/c this just doesn't show of how pretty it is.  It has been a while since Ive done a project like this, and it was so fun.  I use to create collages and art all of the time... and its something that has just fallen to the side of life.  As I watched the first video for the course, I sat outside with my morning coffee and birds. 

Ive been working on fixing up the backyard more and more.  Im constantly re-arranging things.  I moved my little buddha arrangement from the ground onto a table with lots of rocks and petrified seashells surrounding it.  Im going to slowly add some pretty plants to it as well.  And I re-organized my porch shelf below as well.  Sometimes just some simple rearranging can really make a little space feel so new and fresh.  The backyard felt so nice at my party.  I wish I had taken some photos of it.  We are beginning to daydream about how we really want to fix the yard with little rock pathways, and a hammock, and more and more plants.  Im on a total plant buzz this year.  All I want to do is get new plants and learn them.

Even though its been murderously hot outside, Ive still been really enjoying this summer.  Bathing suit time and any chance I get to lay in the yard, or do something outside, Im a happy camper.  Im pretty much in love with the bathing suit I found on etsy, from Kioki.

Ive been meaning to post these for 2 weeks now.  When I stayed with my Nanna, my brother and his son Aiden came over and I played soooo much with Aiden.  We took pics of him next to all of Nanna's flowers.  It was so cute.  Nanna, Ill email you the rest b/c there are tons of them!!!  And I took pics of all of her flowers.  My favorite one is her passion vine.  I brought home a clipping and Im trying to keep it alive in the ground.  So far so good, but this heat is really making it struggle.  I pick the best times to try to transplant things!!!  I finally had to remove the caterpillar that came along for the ride with it.  For the first week I didnt have the heart to move it, b/c I knew it was loving the plant, but once half the leaves were gone and he was 4 times bigger, I realized I had to or I wouldn't have a plant!  So I gently moved him to the other side of the yard.  I took some awesome pics of him too, Ill share soon.  Ive kind of been photographing alot of insects lately.  I wish I could of got a photograph of the centipede we found during my bday party.  It was insane.  Life freakin crazy big.  I had heard hearsay about big ones, but always thought they were exaggerations... Nope!  They are for reals!!!  It was right out our front door too.  Creeps.

follow me on instagram @lauramazurek for up to date pics...

PEACE,
Laura

Camfire Song - Words from my Heart >>>

Yesterday was full of a chain of events that struck my soul.  First the music I was listening to, then an amazing conversation with a friend with loud and clear messages coming from my mother, to reading another friends blog post.  I went outside by our campfire and wrote my heart's campfire song for the day.  Not really a song, more just thoughts... But here is what I wrote:

"Although no fire burns inside this firepit, just being in this sacred space ignites my soul.  Today I was reminded of some things by some amazing soul sisters of mine.  That its time to take these broken bones and ghosts I carry with me to the grave.  Even my new Rocky cd I listened to about 10 times today spoke of taking our mistakes and old wounds to its own funeral.  Its time to gently place these fears and hurts I carry around on my shoulders every waking day, deep underneath the ground - then fiercy and intentionally walk away.  Or like my mom once said about being buried - let them push up flowers from the ground.  When we asked my mom if she wanted to buried or cremated she said buried, so that she could push up flowers from the ground.  

I think Ive even allowed my sadness to get in the way of really hearing my parents voices.  Knowing that their souls are still here with me to be called upon at anytime.  After so long of not seeing them, hearing them, huggin them, its easy to forget that.  And then out of the blue, an earth angel sends me a reminder.  Im so grateful for the few soul sisters Ive received in my life in the past year.  I know in my heart they are all a gift from my mom.  Even though Ive never tangibly seen, touched or even spoken to them - their souls speak volumes to me through mere words online.  Just by reading my dear friend Rain's words today, I was inspired to stop working for a moment and come outside to write.  Now Ive spoken things in my heart, felt the sun on my back, listened to birds singing to each other, felt a warm breeze across my skin, smelled the earth... A big ahhhhhh, and a feeling of gratitude"

_______________________________________

Before this, earlier in the day, I had an intensely magical conversation with my friend Julie, who felt some messages from my mom to me... without going into alot of detail, it was about work, focus, perserverence, happiness in life, and having the courage to pull through with somethings I have felt too weak to do on my own.  And when I went out to write in my journal that afternoon, the page I opened up to were words I had written last year...

Ironic?  I think not.  A gentle reminder to myself, from myself.  Amazing.  Then reading Rain's words on her blog...

"but may our tremblings, beloved, 

become the raw rhythms of our sojourn; 

may our fearful quakings thrust us into movement, 

and may those first, halting, 

barely-there-slow-motions 

ignite energy for our feet, 

for our life-dance, 

for our story.

let us take old, painful memories,

those hurtful moments 

which wrap us like a shroud, 

 tight, immovable, bound

and cast them into a great fire ~

and with this flame we will light our way.

let us awaken! let us say yes! to life ...

not merely to living, 

but to becoming alive."

After listeing to Rocky Votolato's Ghost Writer lyrics all morning:

"bury the dead past disappointment in the cemetery of mistakes,

you cant forget just let the pressure turn your charcoal heart into a diamond reflecting the light,

dont let it get crushed into dust"

I would say I had a day of moment's, in between all of the hard work I did yesterday.  It was definitely quite a full day, and I got soooo much accomplished.  Same with today.  Sooo... I just want to say thank you to the universe for these little moments of clarity.  Ask and you shall receive, as my mom always told me.

PEACE,

Laura

Recalling my Journey >>>

By candlelight, I sit here.  Ready to check in a bit.  This past week or so has felt full of Balance.  Not in the way you think when you hear the word balance.  But the actual meaning of balance.  The highs and lows.  Balance is one of my personal words for this year.  Or this time in my life, whether that lasts a year or not.  The simple pure understanding that this world is ruled by balanced.  Moon and Sun.  Water and Earth.  Life and Death.  Man and Woman.  Love and Hate.  And the list goes on and on.  Without the other, we would not know one.  (I know Im not stating anything new here, nor am I trying to, just my own little pondering).  Really understanding the need and the requirements for the parts of life that are a bit harder to handle.  Like death, and hurt.  And knowing these are things we have to fully accept in order to fully accept life.  I have been going within alot more lately, allowing myself to walk through these woods.  I find myself scared at times, and even stop and turn around, and realize Im not ready to go there yet.  The process in which we heal is so different for everyone.  There is not a right or wrong way, or no time constraints.  I feel like over the course of the past four years since I lost my mom (tomorrow is actually exactly 4 years)... I have slowly transitioned into new beings.  Or I guess you could say, different stages of awareness within myself.  The first year, I went crazy.  I thought I knew everything, I was wild, rebellious and immoral.  I betrayed people I loved in a powerful attempt to find myself, who was 'I' without my mom???  Like a hurricane, I wrecked alot that was in my path.  I betrayed my own trust within myself.  Then I was betrayed by others in a way that really made me take a step back and look at who I had become.  I spent the next year in anger.  Anger at myself, and complete mistrust of people around me.  I realized exactly who I did not want to be, and what I did not want to allow in my life any longer.  Then after a long time that trust was reunited.  Healed through a learning process that me and those close to me had to learn together.  The biggest problem was that I went from being too open and wild, to retreating into my little crab shell, and I lost a sense of freedom within myself.  I spent so long in fear of others actions that I didnt want to do anything or go anywhere.  I was terrified within myself.  Then I began to create.  Ive always made stuff, but I decided to take it to the next level and make it my real business.  The fire was fueled and I began to feel a new sense of purpose in life.  And I realized I could heal myself in ways about my mom through my creations.  My mom was the one person who just thrived on seeing me create.  I would show her everything the very next day when I made a new painting or photograph.  So I used this image in my mind and kept her at the heart of everything I made.  It has helped me tremendously to deal with the pain of her loss and to keep her alive daily in my heart.  And to follow in her footsteps by living the same type of life she lived and to support my family with it.  I learned responsibility through my work as well.  I learned independence too.  I learned that I was the only person I could rely on to make it work.  Making a living at art is not a matter of a lucky break, its a product of alot of hard work and dedication.  I spent that year finding who I was as an artist.  I liked doing so many things it was hard to pin down what direction I really wanted to go with my focus.  And throughout that year, I had alot of lessons in truly letting go.  In more ways then one.  This past year has been an abundance of the best and worst times.  From reaching the next phase of my life of home ownership, the first thing that really felt like James and I accomplished something huge together and can share in daily.  To losing my daddy.  The friendship that we formed over the past few years since my mom was gone was awesome.  We confided in each other and just really became friends.  We shared our hearts.  And no matter what I did, I realized I could never fill the void that my mom left behind.  She was his soulmate.  His lifeline.  And he felt he needed to go home.  A choice that will forever haunt me, and one that has opened my eyes even more to the delicate ways of this world.  It has taught me the importance of community (being surrounded by people who have my highest interest at heart).  It has taught me to not be afraid of opening up and being vulnerable (even though that brings in people with very cold hearts at times, who try to bully me for being who I am).  It has taught me more about impermanence which makes me a better friend and wife.  I think it will continue to teach me new things throughout my entire life.  I am just now allowing myself to face my fears, and to know that I am who I am, and that is all I need to be.  Im finally in a place in my heart where I am not as easily shaken by people with a vengeful or hateful heart.  And I am deeply learning the things I want to further embrace in this world - especially in my healing.  Im on a very personal journey of the heart.  I dont know where the road will lead, but I will keep walking into the unknown anyway.  I am a child traveler and a year from now, Ill be able to add to this story.  

I am just like any of you reading this.  We are all in this together.  This life.  All on different paths.  All in different timing.  Embrace each other right where you and those around you are. And if you find yourself on a path you are not wanting to be on, search within yourself to find out how to steer your boat in the direction you want it to go.  You are the captain of your life.  And know that things take time.  Healing does not happen overnight.  But it does require you to take the first step.

PEACE,

Laura