Ive been meaning to take some real maternity photos of myself throughout my pregnancy, and haven't felt up to it until this week. James keeps trying to remind me to do so, and I'm so glad I finally did. I don't want this special time to fly by without visually recording it. I love seeing images of my mom when she was pregnant, and sadly there are very few of them around.
I'm 13 weeks pregnant and feeling really great for the most part. I think Ive had a bit of depression, or just several emotions around my life and the way it will be evolving and feeling a little (okay, a lot) lost. I'm sure its just the huge transition of going from a woman to a mother. Wondering what will fall away in my life for a while, or for a lifetime, and nervous and excited about what will come into my life, forever. There is a whole lot of unknown to this huge life change.
Ive also allowed the state of my house really get to me. I completely let it go while I wasn't feeling good during the first trimester, and now I'm finding it hard to get back into my groove of cleaning and nesting. Everything feels overwhelming. The de-cluttering, the things I want to move around, my sentimental heart, all of it. I know it will all get done in due time and I'm trying to continually remind myself not to stress about it.
My kitty Bella is also not doing well and it's breaking my heart. Ive had her for 16+ years, since I still lived at home, and she has been with me through every life event, always a mama's girl. Her thyroid issues have worsened and now her kidneys and liver are going downhill. She is light as a feather, which is so hard to see. I know it's all part of it, the process of life and death. I watched my mother go from a vibrant human being to a state of such fragility through her cancer. It's never easy to visually see these changes in the people or animals that we love. So, right now my heart is in just keeping Bella as happy as can be for the rest of her time with us.
This is life. All at the same time it's beautiful, life changing, sad, exciting, lonely and full. A beautiful mess of all kinds of emotions and daily life happenings...
Right now I feel very blessed to be having a good pregnancy, to be with someone who is so excited about the little baby in my belly, to have a wonderful family and groups of friends who are equally excited about our little baby, to not have to stress about work too much while I'm pregnant, to have animals in my life who fill me up with so many smiles, to have a place I call home, to have wonderful neighbors who invite us over for christmas eve dinner, and so many other things. These are the things I will try to focus on through the holidays. It can be difficult this time of year, when you have people you have lost and wish so badly they could be here, but they can't. It's always a good reminder for me to see what is still in front of me that can be cherished, nourished and loved.
(I'll be sharing a ton more photos over on the Bohemian Collective blog, and will provide artist links over there when I do)...